


A Life Well Lived

by KJaneway115



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Challenge Response, Episode: s05e19 The Fight, F/M, Post-Endgame, Prompt Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 00:06:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10842300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KJaneway115/pseuds/KJaneway115
Summary: Five years after Voyager's return to the Alpha Quadrant, Chakotay starts to experience bizarre hallucinations.  B'Elanna calls on Kathryn Janeway, the only person she thinks can help her friend and captain.  But can Chakotay's life be saved only at the expense of Janeway's?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story was written for talsi74656’s Prixin Prompt Competition, May 2017. It is based on the following two prompts:
> 
> Chakotay begins to have hallucinations that are progressively getting worse. The Doctor seems sure there is no cure so he recuses himself from duty.
> 
> “You always do this. You always try to be the one who loses, who sacrifices. I’d have waited the whole seventy years from you, if you’d asked me to.”  
> “I already asked so much of you. I couldn’t do that.”
> 
> The last part of this is un-beta'ed but thanks to Mizvoy for beta and editing on the first several chapters!

  
  
**A Life Well Lived**  
_By KJaneway115_

 

* * *

  
**_1_ **

* * *

 

“What should Daddy get?”  The man in front of her held up his son to see the pastry case at the Night Owl.  Kathryn couldn’t help but smile as the adorable dark haired boy pointed at an enticing cupcake.  She guessed the boy was two or three years old.

“Good choice,” she said to the child.

He giggled and buried his face in his daddy’s shoulder.  “Sorry,” the father said.  “He’s in a shy stage at the moment.”

“It’s no problem,” Kathryn replied.  “We all feel a little shy sometimes.”

Hearing her tone, the boy peeked his head out from his father’s shoulder and looked at her.  Kathryn gave him a wink, and he rewarded her with a wide grin.

“Admiral?” came a voice from behind the counter.  “Your coffee.”

“Thank you, Antonio,” she replied.  “Enjoy your snack,” she said to the boy and his father.

“Thank you,” the father replied.  “We will.  Jack, say ‘bye-bye’ to the nice lady.”

Jack gave Kathryn a timid wave which she returned with another wink.  She took her coffee and found a small table outside.  It was the first morning that year that was warm enough to sit outside, and she was determined to enjoy the beautiful weather, even if she had to work on this sunny Sunday.

She breathed in the fresh air, sipped her coffee, and took out her PADD.  But after only a few minutes of staring at the report, she put it down, allowing herself a moment to watch the people as they passed the cafe.

She glanced through the window, to the table where the little boy and his father were enjoying their morning snack.  _Who are they?_ she wondered.  _What does that man do, that he has a leisurely Sunday to spend with his son?  Is he giving Mom a break?  Or is she working?  Or is he, perhaps, a single father?_ She dismissed the last possibility, hoping that the child had a mom at home who was enjoying a Sunday morning exercise class or brunch with her girlfriends.

Kathryn shook her head.  _You must be getting old,_ she told herself.  _You’re getting more sentimental every day._   It was true; she’d been feeling particularly sentimental about family lately.  She missed her own family.  Before _Voyager_ ’s return, Phoebe and her husband and children had moved off planet, and Gretchen had followed to be near the grandchildren.  Kathryn saw them a couple times a year, but she wished she could see them more often.  She envied people like Samantha and Naomi Wildman, who had extended family on Earth and saw them regularly.

She had accepted, at this point in her life, that she would probably never have a family of her own.  While she occasionally met men who were interested in her, she found them unable to match her in strength or intellect.  They bored her; they had nothing to contribute to her life.  They were full of praise for her accomplishments, but they could not challenge her and did not stand up to her.  They had no strong sense of who they were; they merely wanted validation from her, and while their attentions might flatter her for a short time, she quickly grew tired of this type of attention.  She had given up on the idea of a romantic relationship, content to focus on her work and spend time with her family, both biological and adopted from _Voyager_ , whenever time permitted.

In spite of her quiet acceptance of her situation, deep in her heart, she longed for someone to share her life with.  She didn’t crave the grand romantic gestures that some of the men she met had offered.  She longed instead for quiet Sunday mornings, sitting across from someone at the breakfast table, drinking coffee, reading the news, perhaps the occasional discussion of politics or policy.  She longed for a quiet evening, spent in someone’s strong arms, eating popcorn and watching a movie.  But it couldn’t be just any person; it had to be someone who understood her, but who would also challenge her.  It had to be someone who wouldn’t agree with everything she said or let her get away with all her bad habits, and who would love her even though he knew her faults.  She wanted, just once in a while, to find strength in the man beside her, for his strength to reinforce her own.

She’d had that, she knew, for seven years on _Voyager_.  Although she’d never spent a night in his arms, Chakotay had shared his strength with her and supported her, staying by her side and doing everything he could to lighten her burden.  She had not made it easy for him; she knew this now, but he had not faltered.  Sometimes, when she closed her eyes, she’d see his dark brown eyes looking at her.  Even in her memories, she could see the deep affection he felt for her and the intense attraction he had tried so hard to hide.  

She could remember his eyes on her in the moonlight on a distant planet, recall the heat of his gaze when, clad only in a towel, she had called him out of the shelter to see who was in the woods.  She could remember the first time she had locked eyes with him, stepping between him and Tom Paris on her bridge.  She could remember how fast her heart had been beating, the instant connection sizzling between them.  She could remember the look on his face when he took her hand and placed it over the akoonah for the first time, the terror in his eyes when he thought he was going to follow his grandfather down the path of insanity in Chaotic Space, the sparks that had ignited between them on the night before their failed slipstream attempt.  And then, the memories would grow too intense, and she had to shut them out, trying to forget everything she felt when she looked at him and the feelings that were plain to see in his eyes.  She tried not to let herself think of Chakotay too often.  Thinking of him made the longing in her heart grow into an unbearable ache.  She knew that without him, an integral part of her life was missing, but she’d had to accept that perhaps this part of her life could never be regained.

After her promotion to admiral, Chakotay had been offered command of _Voyager_ and had accepted.  Tom Paris was his first officer, and B’Elanna had continued her role as _Voyager_ ’s chief engineer.  Their two children, Miral and Owen, Jr., were growing up aboard ship.  Harry Kim and the EMH were also serving under Chakotay’s command, along with Ayala, Baytart and many other members of _Voyager_ ’s original crew.  

 _Voyager_ ’s refit had purposefully allowed for families to live on the ship, at both Chakotay and Janeway’s insistence.  Many of _Voyager_ ’s crew wanted to have their families with them on board.  The ship made periodic stops back at Starfleet Headquarters, but not often enough, and Kathryn missed them all.  She shook her head; no need to wallow in self-pity.  All in all, she had a good life, and she enjoyed her work.  Perhaps that was the most she could ask for.

Remembering her work, she forced herself to focus on the PADD, but no sooner had she become absorbed in the report than her PADD lit up with an alert, an urgent transmission coming through from a Starfleet vessel.  She was surprised; not many people had her personal comm frequency.

“Hello,” she answered it.

“Thank Kahless.”

“B’Elanna?  What’s wrong?”

“I need to talk to you,” Torres replied, peering at the screen.  “Are you alone?”

“I’m out for coffee.  Can you wait five minutes?  I’ll call you when I get home.”

“Sure.  Torres out.”

Animated by sudden urgency, Kathryn asked Antonio to put her coffee in a to-go cup and rushed out of the coffee shop.  Her mind raced; why would B’Elanna be calling her?  Voyager was light years away, on a deep space mission.  What could have happened that they would not be able to handle on their own?  Was Miral sick?  Were Tom and B’Elanna having marital problems?  No, that didn’t match the urgency of the call.  Kathryn swallowed hard, not daring to consider the worst possibility, that someone from her crew was gone forever.

She walked quickly, grateful that it was only a few blocks to her apartment.  After _Voyager_ ’s return, she had moved into Starfleet housing and had never found the time or the motivation to look for another home.  She entered her standard, sparsely decorated apartment and placed her coffee next to her computer terminal.  She activated her comm and placed the call.

B’Elanna answered immediately.  “Thanks for calling back so quickly.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Look, I don’t even know if I should have called you.  I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“Slow down, B’Elanna.  Tell me what’s going on.”

B’Elanna took a deep breath.  “It’s Chakotay.”

“What about him?”

“He’s been acting strangely.  But he’s refusing to see the Doc.  He insists there’s nothing wrong, that he’s just tired.”

“What does the Doctor say?

“He managed to run some basic scans by finding an excuse to come to the bridge yesterday.  He couldn’t find anything wrong.  But he’d need to do more in depth scans to be sure.”

“What do you mean, Chakotay is acting strangely?”

“He’s…  I don’t know.  Sometimes he seems completely normal, like the Chakotay we’ve always known.  And then sometimes he gets this look in his eye, like he’s somewhere else.  He’s been short tempered lately, blowing up at junior officers for the smallest infraction.  I’m not the only one who’s noticed.  Tom and Harry see it, too.”

“Maybe it is just like he says, B’Elanna.  Maybe it’s just stress.  I’ve had plenty of short-tempered moments myself.”

Torres shook her head.  “It’s more than stress, Admiral.  I’ve seen Chakotay under worse stress than this.  He’s never reacted this way before.”

“All right.  What do you think it is?”

“I don’t know.  Maybe some kind of alien influence?  It started a couple weeks ago, just after we made first contact with a species called the Yintakens.”

“I don’t see how I can help.  I’m light years away.”

“Do you think you could find an excuse to come out here?”

“B’Elanna, I have work to do here in San Francisco.”

“Work that’s more important than your closest friend?”

Janeway grimaced.  B’Elanna had known her too long; she knew exactly how to get to her.  “All right.  I’ll see what I can do.”

B’Elanna let out a long sigh of relief.  “Thank you, Admiral.  I knew we could count on you.”

“It’s not a promise, Commander, but I’ll do my best.”

“That’s good,” B’Elanna replied.  “Your best is always good enough.”

 _Not always_ , Janeway thought ruefully, but she didn’t voice the thought.  “I’ll be in touch,” she said instead.  “Janeway out.”  


* * *

  
Chakotay splashed cold water on his face and blinked rapidly.  He couldn’t seem to get enough rest.  The days droned on and on with no respite, no break, no quiet moment, no time for himself.  The endless work was wearing him down.  He couldn’t understand it, because _Voyager_ ’s journey through the Delta Quadrant had been far more stressful than this mission, yet he had never felt this weary when serving as Kathryn’s first officer.

 _Kathryn_.  Her name sent a pang of longing through his heart.  He missed her.  In spite of himself, he missed her.  He missed talking to her and seeing her every day.  He missed the way she made him laugh.  He even missed the way she drove him crazy.  He shook his head, admonishing himself.  He must truly be exhausted.  Normally, he was able to keep thoughts of his former captain at bay, but not today.

He splashed more cold water on his face and looked into the mirror.  He gasped, not seeing his own face, but instead seeing an old, wrinkled man staring back at him.  “What the…”  He blinked his eyes and peered into the mirror again.  It was his own face.  I must have imagined it, he thought, straightening his jacket.  He left his quarters and headed towards the bridge.  He stepped onto the turbolift.  “Deck one.”  The turbolift began to move with a gentle hum, and Chakotay closed his eyes, resting his back against the lift wall.

The doors swished open, and he heard someone else enter the lift.  “Captain,” said a low, gravely voice.

Chakotay’s eyes snapped open.  In front of him was a Cardassian.  “How the hell did you get here?” he asked.

“I just walked in from deck three.  What’s wrong, Captain?”

The Cardassian’s voice seemed to mock him.  “What are you doing on my ship?” Chakotay demanded.  “What the hell are you doing on my ship?”  The Cardassian loomed over him, reaching towards his belt for a disruptor.  “No!” Chakotay shouted, slamming the imposter up against the turbolift wall.  The Cardassian struggled against the attack, but Chakotay managed to pin him up against the turbolift wall, using his forearm to choke the bastard.  The Cardassian struggled still more.  Chakotay pulled him back from the wall and slammed him up against it again.  “You don’t belong on my ship.  What the hell are you doing here, you bastard?” he shouted.  He pulled back a fist and punched the imposter in the jaw, then watched him crumple to the floor.  He should call security, he realized, just as the turbolift doors opened onto the bridge.

Chakotay reached up to tap his comm badge, but the world around him began to spin.  Suddenly everything was blurry.  “Chakotay to…” he managed as he stumbled out of the turbolift.  He heard voices around him.  

“Captain!”  

“Harry!  What happened?”

“Are you all right?”

The voices melded together in his mind as everything around him seemed to spin faster.  “Chakotay!” he heard.  Was it his sister’s voice?  “Chakotay, can you hear me?”

He tried to respond, to call out his sister’s name, but the world was spinning too fast.  He felt himself falling, falling, falling downward, and then, everything was black.


	2. Chapter 2

**_2_ **

 

* * *

  
B’Elanna hovered nervously over Chakotay’s unconscious form, shuddering at the memory of what had happened only a few minutes earlier.  She had been on the bridge at the engineering station when Chakotay had stumbled out of the turbolift, completely disoriented.  He had been shouting unintelligibly and had then blacked out, collapsing on the bridge.  On the floor of the turbolift behind him lay Harry Kim, beaten and bloodied.  She could not imagine why Chakotay had hurt Harry.

She felt her husband’s arm go around her and leaned into him, taking his other hand in hers.  “How’s Harry?” she asked, looking up at him.

“Doc says he’s going to be fine.  Chakotay broke his nose and bruised his windpipe, but it’s nothing the Doctor can’t fix.”  Tom felt his wife shudder, and he tightened his arm around her.

“I don’t understand what could have made Chakotay do this,” she whispered.

“Me, neither.”

“I wish Admiral Janeway was here,” B’Elanna said.

“It’s been two weeks since you called her,” Tom reminded his wife.  “I think if she was coming we would have heard by now.”

B’Elanna grimaced.  “I know.  I just can’t imagine that she wouldn’t do everything in her power to be here for him… for us.”

“None of us expected something like _this_ to happen,” Tom reminded her.

The Doctor joined them by Chakotay’s bedside, interrupting their conversation.  “I’ve finished treating Lieutenant Commander Kim’s injuries,” he said.  “He just needs to rest.  He’ll be fine in a few hours.”

“Glad to hear it,” said Tom.  

“What about Chakotay?” B’Elanna asked.  “What’s wrong with him?”

The Doctor ran his medical tricorder over Chakotay, then closed the scanning dome over his biobed.  “I have an idea,” the EMH said as he walked over to the nearby medical station.  “Hmm.”  

Tom and B’Elanna waited while the Doctor worked.  B’Elanna looked down at Chakotay’s face; his eyes were closed and his expression peaceful, so different from the wild look she had seen in his eyes when he had stumbled onto the bridge.

“Yes,” the Doctor finally said.  “It’s as I expected.”

“His ‘crazy gene’?” B’Elanna asked.

“Yes,” the Doctor replied, looking at her with surprise.  “How did you know?”

“Just a guess.”

“Why didn’t you detect this in the scan you ran two weeks ago?” asked Paris.  

“A surreptitious, cursory scan can hardly be expected to reveal this kind of data,” the Doctor replied.  “If I had been able to get the captain to come to sickbay for more in depth scans, I could have told you before the situation had escalated.”  The Doctor pressed another sequence of buttons on the panel.  “His neuron protein insulation is severely degraded.”

“I thought Chakotay had the gene deactivated after we left Chaotic Space,” said B’Elanna.

“Yes, I deactivated the gene myself.  But something has caused it to switch on again.”

“What?” Torres pressed.

“I don’t know,” the Doctor replied.

“Can you switch it off again?” asked Paris.

“Unfortunately, the degradation in the captain’s neuron protein insulation is severe.  I believe I could switch the gene off using the same procedure I used then, but the damage has been done.”

“What’s the treatment?” Paris asked.

“There is no known treatment,” the Doctor replied.  “The treatment for the captain’s condition is switching the gene off at birth.  No one has ever found a way to repair this kind of degradation to the neural pathways.”

“Surely you can find a way,” B’Elanna insisted.  

“I’ll get to work on it right away,” the Doctor said.

“Bridge to Commander Paris,” a voice came over the comm.

“Paris here.”

“You have an incoming transmission, sir.  Priority one.”

“Doc?” Tom asked, gesturing to the Doctor’s office.  The EMH nodded his consent.  “Put it through to the Doctor’s office,” Tom ordered.  He entered the office and sat down, activating the comm.  B’Elanna followed him, standing in the doorway where she could not be seen by the person on the other end of the transmission.  

The Starfleet symbol appeared on the screen, followed by two very familiar faces.  “Admiral!” Tom exclaimed.  “Commander!”

“Hello, Tom,” Janeway’s voice replied.  “Permission to come aboard?”

B’Elanna hurried around to behind Tom’s chair to see Janeway seated beside Tuvok in the cockpit of a shuttlecraft.  “Admiral.  Thank Kahless you’re here.”

Janeway’s expression darkened.  “Has something happened?”

Tom nodded.  “You better dock right away, Admiral.  You, too, Commander.  I think we’re going to need your help.”  
  


* * *

  
Janeway paused outside the sickbay doors, bracing herself for what she was about to find.  Tom, B’Elanna and the Doctor had briefed her on everything they knew about Chakotay’s condition.  B’Elanna had explained, the pain evident in her voice, how Chakotay had assaulted Harry and then passed out on the bridge earlier that day.  The Doctor, via a visual monitor from sickbay, had explained that there was no cure for the neural degradation that Chakotay had suffered.

She had been sitting in Tom’s office, brainstorming with him and B’Elanna when the Doctor had called on the comm.  “The captain is awake.”

“How is he, Doctor?” she had asked.

“I think you better come down here, Admiral,” had been the EMH’s only reply.

Now Janeway stood outside sickbay, and she hesitated.  She felt a hand on her shoulder.  “Are you all right?” Tom Paris asked.

“I’m fine,” she replied, although she knew that the waiver in her voice gave her away.

“Don't worry, Admiral.  We’ll get through this, together.”

She looked away from Tom, blinking back sudden tears, his words reminding her of the many times Chakotay had said the same thing to her.  She shook off the emotion and steeled herself.  “Let’s go.”  The sickbay doors swished open.

“Let me out of here!” Chakotay was yelling.  “Doctor, let me out of here!”  Chakotay pounded his fist against the forcefield and immediately recoiled from the shock of it.

“He became violent,” the Doctor explained.  “He seems to think the ship is being overrun by Cardassians.”

“Chakotay!” Janeway exclaimed, stepping towards the forcefield.  “Chakotay, look at me!”

“We have to kill them,” Chakotay muttered, not looking at her.  “Have to kill them all.”

“Chakotay, please look at me.”

“No!” Chakotay suddenly screamed.  “No, don’t hurt her!  Stop!”  He threw himself against the forcefield and was thrown back, his head impacting against the biobed before he collapsed on the floor.

“Doctor, lower the forcefield!” Janeway ordered.

“Admiral, the captain is a danger to himself and others,” the Doctor said as he walked through the field, medical tricorder in hand.

“Lower the forcefield,” she repeated emphatically.

“He has a slight concussion,” the Doctor reported, running a dermal regenerator over the wound where Chakotay’s head had hit the biobed.

“Let me in.”

“I can’t, Admiral.  He’s going to wake up any minute.  I can’t put you at risk.”

“He won’t hurt me.”

The Doctor looked up at the set of Janeway’s jaw, the determination in her eyes, and the unshed tears looming there.  “I cannot guarantee that, Admiral.”

Her eyes had not left Chakotay’s face.  “I can.  Lower the forcefield.”

The EMH sighed.  “Very well.”  The forcefield shimmered out of existence, and Janeway ran to Chakotay’s side, kneeling next to him.

“Chakotay?” she whispered.  “Chakotay, can you hear me?”  She stroked his cheek with her hand.  

Slowly, his eyes opened.  He blinked several times, willing the room to stop spinning around him.  There was a warm hand on his cheek, a familiar scent in the air, and the face above him slowly became clear.  “Kathryn?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

“What are you doing here?” he managed, propping his elbows underneath himself, trying to sit up.

“Easy,” she warned him, helping him to sit.  “What do you remember?”

“I remember… waking up in my quarters.  I was so tired.  I was trying to wake up.  I got in the turbolift to go to the bridge, and then…”

“Then?” she prompted.

“I don’t know.”  He looked around.  “I’m in sickbay?”

“Yes, Captain,” said the EMH, helping Janeway to hoist Chakotay onto the biobed.  “I’m afraid you’re very ill.”

“I don’t… don’t feel sick,” he said.  “Only a headache, and… dizzy.”

“It’s all right,” Janeway soothed, her hand on her shoulder encouraging him to lie back on the bed.  “It’s going to be all right.”  She ran her hand through his hair; it was damp from sweat.  “Let the Doctor sedate you, Chakotay.”

“I don’t… don’t understand,” he replied as the Doctor pressed a hypospray to his neck.

“It’s all right,” Kathryn repeated.  “You’re going to be okay.”  She ran her hand through his hair again and watched his eyes close.  Then she looked back at Tom, who had observed the entire scene from only a few feet away.  The fear in her eyes told him that despite her calming words to Chakotay, she didn’t know it was going to be all right at all.  
  


* * *

  
“Thank you for your report, Kathryn,” Admiral Paris said.

She sat in Tom’s office speaking to the senior admiral.  “Of course, sir.”

“I’ve spoken with Starfleet Command, and under the circumstances, everyone feels that the best course of action is for you to take command of _Voyager_ temporarily.”

“Tom is more than capable, sir.”

“Of course he is, but your command and diplomacy experience outweigh his tenfold.  I know that you took this trip as a leave of absence, but Starfleet would like to grant you back your leave.  We’d like you to take over the mission of finding out how and why this has happened to Captain Chakotay.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Of course this is a temporary situation, only.  You will have command until Captain Chakotay can be cured, or until the situation is declared permanently unresolved.”

“Permanently unresolved?”  Janeway felt her gut drop at the suggestion.

“If it is determined that there is no cure for Captain Chakotay’s condition, then we will have to find a new captain for _Voyager_.”  Paris paused.  “Hopefully, it won’t come to that.”

“Yes, sir.  I understand.”

“Good luck, Admiral.  Paris out.”

The transmission ended, and Janeway sat back in her chair for only a moment before leaping into action.  “Janeway to Paris.”

“Paris here,” Tom answered.

“Collect the senior staff and meet me in the briefing room in half an hour.  We need options.”

“Aye, Admiral.”

A half hour later, _Voyager_ ’s senior staff was seated around the briefing table, Janeway at its head.  It felt much like old times, except for the conspicuously empty seat to Janeway’s left.  She had asked Tuvok to join in the briefing as well, even though his current posting was not to _Voyager_.  Harry had recovered from his injuries and was seated at the table with them.  Pablo Baytart was Voyager’s pilot, now that Tom had stepped up to the XO position, and Ayala had taken over Tuvok’s old station at tactical.  The EMH joined them via video monitor from Sickbay, where he dared not leave Chakotay alone.

Janeway quickly brought everyone up to speed on Chakotay’s condition, and on her conversation with Admiral Paris.

“I think I speak for everyone here, Admiral,” said Tom, “when I say that we’re glad you’re taking command.”

Janeway inclined her head, giving Paris credit.  Of all the senior staff, he had the most right to be put out, as it should have been his command, but instead, he gracefully let everyone know he felt this was right.  “Thank you, Mr. Paris.  Now, let’s get down to business.  Before anything, we need to know the cause of Chakotay’s condition.  Speculation?”

“I started noticing strange behavior from him shortly after our visit to Yintaka Minor,” said B’Elanna.

“Yes,” Ayala piped up, “I agree, it was around that time he started acting distracted.  He looked like he wasn’t getting much sleep.”

“What occurred during your visit to Yintaka Minor?” asked Tuvok.

“It was just routine,” said Harry.  “The Yintakans were friendly.  They invited us for a meal.  We all ate the food; it wasn’t harmful.”

“I examined it myself,” the Doctor said from his monitor.  “There were no ingredients in the food or drink that could have caused Captain Chakotay’s condition.”

“They were celebrating some kind of festival,” added B’Elanna.  “They invited us to participate.”

“And did you?” asked Tuvok.

“We ate a ceremonial meal with them,” said Paris.  “Saw some performances, dancing, stuff like that.”

“What else?” Janeway asked.  “Were there any rituals?  Anything out of the ordinary?”

“We got a tour of their capitol city,” said Harry.  

“Chakotay wanted to see their sacred mountain,” B’Elanna added.  

“Sacred mountain?” asked Janeway.

“Yes,” said Baytart.  “They had religious beliefs that reminded him of the beliefs of his ancestors.”

“The captain went there with a Yintakan guide,” explained Ayala.

“Was there anything unusual about the mountain?” Janeway asked.  “Anything our sensors might have picked up?”

“We can’t scan the sacred mountain,” Ayala replied.  “It’s made of some kind of rock or mineral that interferes with our scanners.  The Yintakans told us this was typical.  They themselves don’t permit technology on sacred ground.”

Janeway looked at the monitor to sickbay.  “Doctor, is it possible that something on that mountain could have reactivated Chakotay’s dormant gene somehow?”

“I suppose it’s possible.  There’s no way to know without further scans.”

“All right,” Janeway said.  “Whatever happened to Chakotay, it seems clear that it started after your contact with the Yintakans.  We need to go back to Yintaka Minor and investigate.  Lieutenant Baytart, set a course and engage.  Maximum warp.”

“Aye, Admiral.”

The meeting disbanded, and Janeway stepped onto _Voyager_ ’s bridge, taking command of the starship for the first time in five years.  As she settled into the captain’s chair, it felt familiar and right, despite the circumstances.  _Hang on, Chakotay_ , she thought.  _Whatever is happening to you, we’ll get to the bottom of it._


	3. Chapter 3

_**3** _

 

* * *

  
Janeway sat at the ready room desk, using the hours of their journey to Yintaka Minor for valuable research.  She had reviewed all the information that _Voyager_ ’s crew had compiled about the Yintakans during their first visit.  In their logs, both Paris and Kim had likened the species to the Bajorans, technologically advanced, but still seeped in tradition and religion.

She was now going through Chakotay’s logs.  In his written record, she could hear his voice as she read the words, could hear his fascination with these people and their history and religion.  Watching his video logs, she could not help but smile as he described his first meeting with Chief Minister Inacayal and the instant bond of respect they had felt for each other.  “The chief minister seems to be an honest and compassionate leader of his people,” Chakotay said, “the kind we so rarely encountered in the Delta Quadrant, but were grateful when we did.” 

He spoke of his excitement about visiting the sacred mountain.  “The Yintakans are a deeply religious people,” Chakotay said in one log.  “But they don’t worship a single god, or even a group of gods.  Their beliefs are more similar to those of my own people; they believe that every living thing has a spirit and that those powerful spirits make their world move.”  Chakotay paused, and Janeway could see a peaceful smile on his features; he was remembering a beautiful place.  “Their sacred mountain overlooks a beautiful waterfall.  It is one of the most impressive places I have seen in all my travels.

“The legend of how their sacred place came to be is eerily similar to a legend I heard as a boy.  I can still remember my grandfather telling me the story about a beautiful woman who sacrificed herself so that her love, and all those in her tribe, could live.  She became the waterfall.  Strange how the Yintakan legend about their waterfall is so similar.”

He paused, seemingly lost in thought, before continuing.  “It is hard to describe my experience on the Yintakans’ sacred mountain.  I was…”  Suddenly, Chakotay stopped speaking.  His eyes took on a faraway expression, as if he were no longer sitting at his desk recording the log.  An entire minute passed before he seemed to snap out of it.  For a moment, he looked disoriented.  He blinked several times and finally said, “Computer, end log.”

Janeway stared at the screen for a long moment.  That was strange, she thought.  “Computer,” she ordered, “replay log from time index 0460.”  The log played back again with the same strange pause.  _Something happened on that mountain_ , she thought.  _Something he couldn’t talk about for some reason, and I need to find out what it was._ She tapped her comm badge.  “Janeway to sickbay.”

“The Doctor here.”

“Is Captain Chakotay awake?”

“He is.  I cannot sedate him anymore.  The dosage of sedative required is too high and may cause further brain damage.  We’ve created a private room for him in sickbay.  I’m sure the captain would not want the crew to see him in this condition.  The room is as private and as well equipped as his quarters would be.  I think he’ll be as comfortable as possible there, but I can still supervise him constantly.”

“I see.  What is his condition?  Can I see him?”

“I wouldn’t recommend it, Admiral.  The captain is unstable at best.  His behavior is unpredictable and you would be putting yourself at risk.”

“Chakotay won’t hurt me.”

“He would never knowingly hurt you.  But he may not know you, Admiral.  He may believe you’re someone else.”

“I have to talk to him, Doctor.  Something happened on that mountain and I have to know what it is.”

“Very well, Admiral.  However, I insist that security be standing by to intervene in case of an emergency.”

“All right, Doctor.  Janeway out.”  With a deep breath, she gathered herself and walked to sickbay.  When she arrived, she saw that part of the main room had been quartered off with temporary walls.  Two armed security personnel who Janeway did not recognize stood at attention outside the door to the private room.  

“Admiral,” the Doctor greeted her.

She gestured to the security guards.  “Is this really necessary, Doctor?”

“The security guards are a cautionary measure, recommended by Starfleet procedure in cases like these.”

Janeway sighed.  “Of course.”

“I’ll be right here if you need me, Admiral,” said the Doctor.  

“Thank you, Doctor.”  She approached the security guards.  “Excuse me, Ensign…?”

“Ensign Murphy, Ma’am.”

“Ensign Murphy, ‘ma’am’ will do in a crunch, but I prefer ‘admiral.’”

“Yes, Admiral.”  Still, Murphy hesitated to step aside.  “I notice you’re not armed.  Security protocol dictates that…”

“I don’t need a weapon to see Captain Chakotay, Ensign, and neither do you.  Now, if you’ll step aside?”

“Yes, Ma’am… Uh… Admiral.”  Awkwardly, the young man stepped out of her way.

The door opened and Janeway entered the room.  It was a smaller version of crew quarters, and indeed felt just as private as Chakotay’s quarters would have.  There was a small living area with a couch and a chair, and in another corner there was a bed.  It was dark inside, and she squinted as her eyes adjusted.  “Chakotay?”

From the corner, she heard a low moan.  “Go away.”

“Chakotay, I need to talk to you.”

“Go away, Kathryn.  I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You’re not going to hurt me.  I just need to talk to you.”  There was only the sound of his heavy breathing.  Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and she could see him now, crouched behind a sofa like a frightened animal.  “Come on,” she coaxed.  “It’s all right.”

She saw his body relax, and cautiously, he stood, still keeping the couch between them.  “Kathryn,” he rasped, “what’s happening to me?”

She stepped towards him.  “We’re trying to figure that out.  We think that something happened to you on Yintaka Minor.  We’re on our way back there now.”

“Yintaka Minor,” he echoed, as if trying to remember.

“Yes,” she said, taking another step.  “I want to talk to you about what happened there.”

He closed his eyes, furrowing his brow.  “I can’t…  I can’t remember.”  He paused, looking directly at her for the first time since she had entered the room.  “I’m so tired.  So tired.”  He let go of the couch and stepped towards her, but stumbled, unable to support his own weight.

She extended her arms to him and rushed to his side, insinuating her shoulder under his to support him.  “Come on,” she said, “you need to lie down.”

“No!” he exclaimed, struggling against her attempts to guide him towards the bed.  “No sleep.  Can’t sleep.”

“All right.  Just sit.”  She led him to the couch, where he collapsed into the cushions.  She ran her hand through his hair and cupped his cheek.  “Tell me about Yintaka Minor.”

He leaned back against the cushions and closed his eyes.  “The Yintakans were friendly.  They invited us to join them during their spring festival.”  He opened his eyes, the ghost of a smile on his lips.  “You would love it there, Kathryn.  It’s lush, green.  There’s a beautiful lake in the center of the capitol, and a huge park with beautiful gardens.  I kept thinking how much I wished you were there to share it with me.”

She smiled and reached for his hand.  “I’d like that.  When this is all over, we can go there together.”

He nodded.  “Everyone enjoyed their time on Yintaka Minor.  It was a good first contact.”

“What happened next?”

“At the festival, I heard some of the Yintakans talking about their sacred mountain and their sky spirits.  I was intrigued by the similarities to my own people’s beliefs.  The chief minister agreed to show me the sacred mountain the next day.”

“And then what happened?  What happened on the sacred mountain?”

“I’ve never seen anything like it.  Being on that mountain, I felt closer to the spirits than I ever have before.  The spirit talkers showed me…  They showed me…”

“What did they show you?”

“There was a waterfall,” Chakotay said, trying to remember.

“Yes.  You spoke about the waterfall in your log, about a legend similar to one from your own people.”

“The legend of the waterfall.”

“What did the spirit talkers do at the waterfall?”

Chakotay pressed his eyes closed.  He could remember the journey up the mountain and meeting the spirit talkers.  He could remember going to the waterfall, but the next thing he could recall was being back on _Voyager_.  He focused on the moment of his arrival at the waterfall.  He remembered looking out at the beautiful view, the sound of the water crashing below him, the jagged cliffs surrounding him, the perfectly clear blue of the sky, the call of a bird somewhere in the distance.  He remembered taking a deep breath of the fresh air and looking up.  A sharp and intense pain shot through his head.  The memory was obliterated by a blinding, white light.

Suddenly, Chakotay cried out and doubled over, as if in great pain.  Janeway called his name, holding him by the shoulders, trying to make him look at her.  “What’s wrong?”  He did not respond, instead clutching his head.  “Janeway to the Doctor!”

Chakotay closed his eyes against the blinding light.  When he opened them again, he was in a dimly lit cave.  It took him a moment to get his bearings, but when he did, he realized he was in a Maquis camp.  Someone was shouting, “Look out!  They’ve found us.”

“Arm yourselves!” Chakotay shouted, gesturing at his people to gather round the cave’s entrance.  No sooner had he drawn his weapon than the Starfleet troops were on them.  One of the Starfleet officers ordered him to drop his weapon.

“You drop yours first!” Chakotay shouted.

“You know we can’t do that,” the Starfleet officer replied.  “Drop your weapons!”

“No!”

A shot was fired; from where, he couldn’t tell, and a melee broke out.  There was shouting and fighting everywhere.  The chaos quickly turned into hand-to-hand combat, and Chakotay found himself struggling with one of the Starfleet officers.  His opponent was smaller than he, but quick, evading his strikes.  Finally, he saw his opening and felt his fist connect with the Starfleet officer’s gut.

Someone was shouting his name.  “Chakotay!  Chakotay!”

The voice was somehow familiar.  “Kathryn?”  Kathryn?  Who was Kathryn?  He didn’t know anyone in the Maquis by that name.  The room around him began to spin.  The Starfleet invaders, his Maquis friends, the cave, it all became a blur.

“Captain,” he heard a new voice say.  “Captain, can you hear me?”

There was a blinding light and a sharp pain in his temple.  He doubled over, wondering if he was going to be sick.  He flailed, reaching out with one hand to find any solid object.  Then he felt himself being lifted up and hauled away.  There was a cold object pressed to his neck and the snap-hiss of a hypospray.

“Captain Chakotay, can you hear me?”

With difficulty, Chakotay forced his eyes open and found the EMH looming over him.  “Doctor?”

“Do you know where you are?”

He looked around.  “On _Voyager_.  Sickbay.”  Furniture was overturned, and the room was a mess.  Two armed security guards stood inside, looking at him cautiously.  “What happened?”

“You don’t remember?” the Doctor asked.

“I was…  I thought I was somewhere else.”  His eyes searched the room again and widened in horror.  “Spirits,” he murmured.  “Kathryn.  What have I done?”

Janeway stood in another corner of the room being examined by a medic.  She had a nasty cut on her forehead, and it looked like she’d been in a brawl.  “I’m fine,” she was insisting.  “Excuse me.”  She brushed her way past the medic and approached the couch where the EMH was tending to Chakotay.  She sat down next to him, and he recoiled.  “How are you feeling?”

He was still staring at her in horror.  He reached one hand towards her face but stopped short of touching her.  “Did I do that?” he whispered.

“You weren’t yourself,” she replied gently.  “You didn’t know where you were.  You didn’t know who I was.”

“I hurt you.”  Tears stung his eyes, and he looked away, unable to bear her compassion.

“It wasn’t you,” she assured him.

He buried his face in his hands.  “What is happening to me?” he moaned.  “Am I going crazy?”

“We’ll get to the bottom of this, Chakotay,” she said with more confidence than she felt.  She rubbed his back.  “We’ll figure it out together, just like we always have.  I promise.”

Chakotay did not respond, and Janeway exchanged a glance with the Doctor.  “The captain needs to rest now,” the EMH said, “and you, Admiral, need to be treated for your injuries.”

Janeway was going to argue, but the Doctor’s expression told her any argument would be futile.  She stroked Chakotay’s back one more time.  “Get some rest,” she told him.  “I’ll be back soon.”  
  


* * *

  
After having been discharged from sickbay under the Doctor’s typical orders to rest, Janeway sat in her quarters.  She was having a hard time resting, however, and had given up on trying to sleep, ordering a cup of coffee instead.  She kept seeing Chakotay’s eyes.  When he’d thought he’d been back in the Maquis, he’d looked manic, crazy.  It took her back to _Voyager_ ’s encounter with the aliens in Chaotic Space.  She’d been worried about him then, but her concern for his well-being had been overshadowed by her worry for the safety of her ship and crew.  Now, _Voyager_ was in no danger; it was only Chakotay who was at risk.  During his hallucination, he had been barely recognizable.  She could still feel the sting of his hand as he’d hit her.  She had called his name, but he hadn’t heard her, hadn’t even seen her.  He’d seen something else, someone else.  She was sure of that.  The guilt, pain and torture she’d seen in his eyes when he’d realized what he’d done was proof enough.  She was jolted from her thoughts by the door chime.  “Come in.”

B’Elanna entered.  “Hi.  I heard what happened.  Are you okay?”    “I’m fine.  Come in, B’Elanna.  Would you like some coffee?”

“Thanks.”  Janeway poured a second cup and invited Torres to join her in the seating area. 

“How is Chakotay?” B’Elanna asked.

“He’s…”  Janeway didn’t know what to tell Chakotay’s oldest friend.

“I want the truth,” B’Elanna insisted.

“He’s frightened.  He doesn’t understand what’s happening to him any more than we do.”

“Did he really…  Did he really hurt you?”

“He didn’t know what he was doing.  He didn’t know it was me, same as he didn’t realize it was Harry.”

“Tom said you had to be treated for injuries.”

“Just a few minor cuts and bruises.  Nothing serious.”

The women fell silent, sipping their coffee.  Then B’Elanna asked, “What do you think caused this?”

“I’m not sure.  But I think it has to do with something that happened on the Yintakan sacred mountain.  I just don’t know what.  That’s what I was trying to find out from Chakotay when he…  When he started hallucinating again.”

“Once we know the cause, the Doctor will find a cure,” B’Elanna said.

There was another stretch of silence, longer than the first.  Janeway took a sip of coffee and looked away from B’Elanna.  There it was, in the back of her mind, the question she’d been avoiding, the one she was afraid to consider.  Yet now it loomed in her consciousness, and she could not ignore it.  B’Elanna sounded so certain that they’d learn the cause and find a cure.  “What if he can’t?”

“What?”

“What if the Doctor can’t find a cure?”

B’Elanna was dumbfounded for a moment, not sure how to reply.  Finally, she said, “I’ve known Chakotay longer than almost anyone who’s still in my life.  I don’t know what I would do without him.”

“What I can’t…” Janeway started and then paused, forcing down the lump in her throat.  “I can’t imagine having to watch him slowly lose his mind.  You should have seen him, B’Elanna, when he realized he’d hurt me and he couldn’t even remember what had happened.  If the Doctor can’t find a cure, this will destroy Chakotay.”

“He’s strong,” B’Elanna protested.

“He doesn’t want to live like this.”

“We can only take it one day at a time,” B’Elanna said with an assurance she didn’t feel, placing one hand on Janeway’s shoulder.  “Right now, I have to believe that there is a cure and that somehow, we will find it.”

Janeway’s shoulders shuddered, and she took a deep breath.  “Of course.”

B’Elanna examined her friend and former captain, trying to figure out what to say.  “I know you and Chakotay are close.”

“We’ve barely seen each other in the last five years.”

“You don’t have to see someone in person to be close to them.  We all saw the bond you had on _Voyager_.”

Kathryn picked up her coffee and walked over to the window, her back to Torres.  B’Elanna waited, sensing that the admiral would open up in her own time.  After a long moment, Janeway spoke softly.  “Not a day has gone by in the last five years when I haven’t thought about Chakotay.  I don’t do it on purpose.  If anything, I’ve tried to stop myself from thinking of him.  Sometimes, it just seemed like remembering the good times we had, the closeness we shared, was too painful.  Many times, I told myself it was time to move on, to stop thinking of him, to let him go.  But whenever I started to do that, that was when he’d call, or I’d see him at some Starfleet function, and then I’d find that I didn’t want to stop thinking of him, and that our connection remained as real and as deep as it always had been.”

B’Elanna had never heard Kathryn Janeway speak so openly about something so deeply personal.  The honesty and depth of emotion in the admiral’s speech brought tears to her eyes.  “That’s beautiful.  I’m honored you shared it with me.”

“I’ve never put it into words before,” Janeway said.  “I don’t know if I’ve ever fully admitted it to myself, much less anyone else.”

“Why now?” B’Elanna asked.

“Because now I’m realizing that I may have to let him go.  I may not have a choice.”

Janeway’s words echoed in B’Elanna’s mind.  Fear rising in her own heart, she stared at Janeway’s back as the admiral’s gaze remained on the stars.  B’Elanna could only hope they would find a cure in time.


	4. Chapter 4

**_4_ **

* * *

  
“We are arriving at Yintaka Minor, Admiral,” said Baytart from the conn.

“Drop us into orbit, Lieutenant.  Hail the surface, Mr. Kim.”

“They are responding, Admiral.”

A humanoid alien appeared on the view screen.  She wore a simple tan robe, and large purple tentacles framed her angelic features.  “Welcome to Yintaka Minor,” she said in a pleasant tone.  “How can I help you today?”

“This is Admiral Kathryn Janeway of the starship _Voyager_.  It is urgent that I speak with Chief Minister Inacayal immediately.”

“The chief minister’s schedule is extremely busy today, Admiral.  Perhaps I can arrange an appointment for you with him tomorrow.”

“I’m afraid it’s urgent that we speak to him today, Miss…”

“I am Liana,” the woman said, “assistant secretary to the chief minister.”

“Liana, my ship was here only a few weeks ago.  Captain Chakotay and his crew met with Chief Minister Inacayal.”

“Oh, yes.”  Liana’s face brightened.  “I remember Captain Chakotay.”

“Liana,” Janeway said, trying desperately to maintain her patience, “Captain Chakotay has fallen gravely ill, and we believe it has something to do with his time on your planet.  Please, it is urgent that I speak to Chief Minister Inacayal as soon as possible.”

“Please hold, Admiral.  I will attempt to reach him.”

Janeway nodded and the view screen went blank.  She turned to Tuvok, who was standing towards the rear of the bridge.  “What do you think?” she asked.

“I see no logical reason why the Yintakans would have harmed Captain Chakotay deliberately.  She seems genuine in her desire to help.”

“We experienced no malice at all during our last visit,” said Paris.  “Their ways may be a little antiquated, but they’re…”  Paris cut off abruptly as the view screen came to life once again.  

“Admiral Janeway?” Liana said.

“Yes, Liana.”

“Chief Minister Inacayal will see you.  We will send you the coordinates.”

“Thank you, Liana.”  The transmission ended and Janeway stood.  “Tuvok, Harry, B’Elanna, you’re with me.”

A few minutes later, Janeway, Tuvok, Torres and Kim had materialized on the surface of Yintaka Minor.  An imposing Yintakan male with the characteristic long tentacles surrounding his face approached them.  “Lieutenant Kim, Commander Torres, so good to see you again,” he said with a smile.  He extended his hand to Janeway.  “You must be the admiral.”

She took the chief minister’s hand and then made the traditional Yintakan gesture of greeting that she had learned from Chakotay’s logs.  “I am Admiral Janeway.  This is my associate Commander Tuvok.”

Tuvok also made the traditional gesture of Yintakan greeting, along with Torres and Kim.

“I see Captain Chakotay has educated you on the ways of my people,” said the chief minister.  “His respect for our culture gained him and all your people great standing here.”

“Unfortunately, I’ve only been able to learn of his respect for your people through his logs,” said Janeway.  “The captain is gravely ill.”

“Yes,” said the chief minister, “Liana told me.  That’s why I cleared my schedule for you.  Join me for a cup of tea, Admiral, and you can tell me what has transpired and why you believe it has something to do with us.”

Janeway, Tuvok, Torres and Kim followed Chief Minister Inacayal into a sparsely decorated sitting room where they sat on wooden benches at a simple wooden table, and Liana served tea.  Kathryn could see immediately why Chakotay had felt at home with these people.  The woven rugs and tapestries looked like something his grandmother might have made, and the large windows in the room revealed lush, green forest surrounding the building.  While they seemed to have access to every modern technology, the Yintakans had obviously chosen to remain close to nature in their day-to-day lives.

Janeway explained Chakotay’s condition to the chief minister, with occasional interjections from the others, and told him about Chakotay’s bad gene being reactivated, as well as the reason they believed there was a connection to _Voyager_ ’s first visit to Yintaka Minor.  The chief minister listened with interest until she had finished.

“I don’t believe I can help you, Admiral,” Inacayal said.  Seeing her disappointment, he held up a hand.  “But I think I may know someone who can.”

“Who?” Torres asked.

"You believe that something may have happened to Captain Chakotay during his visit to the sacred mountain, is that correct?”

“That seems to be the most logical explanation,” replied Tuvok, “since all the other areas of your planet have been subject to our scanners, and we have found no connection between them and the captain’s illness.”

“Can you take us to the sacred mountain, Chief Minister?” Janeway asked.

“I can take you as far as the base of the mountain.  From there, a guide will escort you, as they did the captain.  Your escort will take you to the spirit talkers.  Each seeker of the spirits must enter the mountain alone with their guide; this is our tradition.”

“You mean only one of us can go?” asked Harry.

“You may each make your own journey, separately.”

“I’ll go,” Janeway said immediately.

“How can you guarantee the admiral’s safety?” Tuvok asked the chief minister.

“Our people have been making this journey for thousands of years.  The guides and spirit talkers will keep your admiral safe.  You have my word on that.”

“I’ll be fine, Tuvok,” Janeway assured him.

“At least you’ll be able to scan the mountain,” said Torres.  “To see if anything there could have affected Chakotay.”

The chief minister shook his head.  “No one may ascend the mountain unless they strip themselves of all technology.”

“I understand,” Janeway said.  She looked at her away team.  “I will go up the mountain.  Is it acceptable for my team to wait at the base of the mountain so they can contact _Voyager_ in the event of a problem?”

“That is acceptable,” said Inacayal.  “When do you wish to leave?”

“Right away.”

Inacayal called a hover car, which took them to the base of the mountain.  The chief minister introduced her to her guide and wished her luck on her journey to meet the spirits.  She could tell that Torres, Kim and Tuvok objected to her going alone, but they knew better than to argue.  She would go with or without their approval.

The walk up the mountain passed in silence.  Her guide did not speak, only led the way up the stone steps that had been carved into the side of the peak for centuries.  The silence allowed Janeway to notice the sounds around her, the rustling of the breeze through the leaves, the calls of alien birds, the skittering of small woodland creatures across their path, the buzzing of insects.  The climb was steep but not treacherous, and the path seemed well traveled.

Kathryn had a million questions, but the guide did not seem inclined to talk, so she kept them to herself.  Despite her worry for Chakotay’s condition, she allowed the beauty of the mountain to wash over her.  The hillside was peppered with vibrant flowers and exotic trees.  She followed her guide over a bridge that crossed a babbling brook.  A creature resembling a chipmunk with bright green fur skittered along the path beside them for a moment before disappearing back into the woods.

Suddenly, Kathryn froze.  In a clearing just to the right of their path stood a giant, red bird.  It was over a meter tall and stood on one leg, its other leg tucked up into its feathers.  Its silver beak protruded sharply, and its black eyes were fixed on Kathryn.  She and the creature stared at each other for a long moment.  Then, the bird blinked its piercing eyes, spread its wings, and took flight, passing less than a meter over Janeway’s head.  The bird’s wingspan was over two meters, and for a moment its path completely blocked the sunshine.  The bird disappeared into the distance, and she stood, dumbfounded.  “What was that?”

“The Yintakan firebird,” her guide replied, sounding equally amazed.  “They appear to very few visitors to the sacred mountain.  The spirits must have something truly special in store for you.  Come, we must continue.”

When they reached the top of the mountain, they emerged into a clearing.  There were log cabins scattered around and a large fire pit in the center.  “Where are we?” Janeway asked.

“This is the home of the spirit talkers,” her guide explained.

A Yintakan male clad in simple brown clothing approached them.  He appeared to be middle aged, and the tentacles on the side of his face were covered in markings.  He extended his hand.  “I am Shotal.”

“Kathryn Janeway,” she replied, taking his hand.

“Shotal is a spirit talker,” explained her guide.  “I will leave you with him now.”

“Thank you.”

“Kathryn,” Shotal began.  “May I call you Kathryn?”

“Of course.”

“I also met your friend, Chakotay.”

“Chakotay became ill after he visited this mountain.  Can you tell me why?”

Shotal smiled kindly.  “I cannot tell you that, but I can take you to the waterfall.  That is what you wish to see, isn’t it?”

Kathryn studied the man for a moment.  “Yes.  How did you know?”

“The spirits tell me what I need to know.”  
  
“Have they told you how to cure Chakotay’s illness?”

Shotal did not reply.  Instead, he motioned for her to follow him.  “Come.”

She followed him to a path that led into the woods.  As they walked, she tried a different approach.  “Chakotay mentioned a legend that your people have about the waterfall.  He became ill before he could share it with me.”

“The legend of how our waterfall came to be.  Yes, I can share this story with you.”  Shotal began to tell the story, and as he did, the words seemed to come to life in Kathryn’s mind, pictures as clear as if she had witnessed the events herself.

“Centuries ago, the chief of our people had a beautiful young daughter.  She was his only child, and he cherished her.  She fell in love with a warrior from the neighboring tribe, and they were wed amidst great celebration from all the people.  The girl and her warrior were madly in love, and their union brought great joy to everyone.  But suddenly, without warning, their happiness became great sorrow.  A sickness came over the people.  Women and children became ill, and even the strongest men became sick and died in a day.

“The people decided that the spirits were angry with them and they began to ask what they could do to quench the spirits’ wrath.  The oldest man in the village, who we now call the first spirit talker, stood up and told them that the spirits would not be satisfied unless a great sacrifice was made.  One maiden, brave of heart and pure in spirit, would have to willingly sacrifice herself, by going up on the high cliff above the town and throwing herself onto the rocks below.  The spirit talker told the people that only then would the sickness leave them.  The other leaders of the tribe argued; they said no one should have to make this sacrifice.  But the chief’s daughter had overheard the old man’s story, and she began to wonder if she should be the one to make this sacrifice.

“The girl loved her young warrior so much that she wanted to live; she did not want to sacrifice herself.  But then, one day, her love became ill with the disease.  Now, she knew what she had to do.  She cared for her love, cooled his hot face, and left a bowl of water by his bedside.  Then she slipped away alone, without a word to anyone.  All night, she followed the trail up the high cliff.  When she reached the edge of the cliff, she looked at the jagged rocks below.  Then she turned her face toward the sky, closed her eyes, and jumped.    

“The next morning, all those who had expected to die arose from their beds well and strong, including the young warrior who loved the maiden.  He was cured, but he could not find his love anywhere.  Frantically, he searched for her, until he found her body, lifeless, on the jagged rocks.  The young warrior was heartbroken.  In his anguish, he cried out to the spirits, asking them for some sign that his love had passed safely into the spirit world.

“Almost at once, he heard the sound of water above.  A stream began to trickle over the rocks, and soon the trickle became a roaring cascade of water.  The young man knew that this was the sign from the spirits, and that he only had to come and visit the waterfall to see his love.”

“What a tragedy,” Janeway said when Shotal had finished.  “The young warrior must have been heartbroken.”

“Perhaps,” said Shotal, “but he had his life, and he never took it for granted.  And we have this beautiful place, a monument to the woman who did not value her own life unless she could share it with the one she loved.”  Shotal gestured before them, and Janeway inhaled sharply.

In front of them was one of the most beautiful sights she had ever seen - a waterfall of epic proportions, waves cascading down over rocky cliffs to a clear turquoise pool below.  “It’s beautiful,” she breathed.

“Chakotay said the same.”

The name snapping her out of her reverie, Janeway focused once again on Shotal.  “When you brought Chakotay here, what did he do?”

“He stood where you are, overlooking the falls and expressed his admiration for their beauty.  Then he asked to go to the top.”  Shotal gestured to a bridge that crossed the river right at the precipice of the falls.

“Will you take me there?” Janeway asked.  Shotal nodded, and she followed him.  When she stepped onto the grated metal bridge, the waterfall thundered below her.  It was so loud she would have to shout to be heard.  She gripped the metal railing and followed Shotal to the center of the bridge.  The water roared below her, seeming to flow endlessly down.  She looked into the plummeting falls, and it seemed as if they would swallow her.  She peered into the water’s depths, trying to see if they held the answer she sought, but there was only darkness.

Suddenly, a flash of bright white light blinded her.  She felt as though she was falling.  She reached out to grab the bridge railing, but there was nothing there.  She realized that she had shut her eyes, and she forced them open.  She seemed to be floating in space.

_“You have come to seek the spirits,”_ a booming voice said.

“Who are you?  Where am I?”

" _You have come to seek the spirits,”_ the voice repeated.  _“We know you, Kathryn Janeway, from the mind of the one you call Chakotay.”_

“What do you know about Chakotay?”

_“We have seen him.  We have known him.”_

“Who are you?”

_“We are the spirits.  You know us as alien.”_

“I know you?”

_“You have known us before,”_ the voice replied.  _“Not us.  But ones like us.  You call us beings of chaos, but we are not in chaos.”_

The meaning of the words settled over her and she felt a chill run down her spine.  “You mean you’re the aliens from Chaotic Space?  But we didn’t detect anything like that here.”

_“As we said, they are not us.  But we are like them.”_

“You did this to Chakotay,” she accused the disembodied voice.  “You caused his illness.  You activated his crazy gene.”

_“We did not do this to the being called Chakotay,”_ the voice responded.  _“You did.”_ In a flash of light and a series of images running through her mind, the aliens explained their meaning.

Kathryn felt a hand on her arm and heard a voice calling her name.  “Chakotay?”  Then she felt the cold railing of the bridge beneath her hands and heard the crashing of the waterfall below.

The voice in her ear was Shotal’s.  “Kathryn?”

She looked at him, her eyes wide, her hands trembling.  “I know what I have to do.”  
  


* * *

  
“They want you to do what?” B’Elanna exclaimed angrily.

“Admiral,” said Harry, “with all due respect, that’s crazy.”

Janeway sighed.  She had known that Voyager’s senior staff would react this way when she explained what the aliens had told her.

“What makes you believe the aliens’ offer is genuine?” Tuvok asked.

“The aliens’ knowledge of Chakotay, for one thing.  They’ve clearly had communications with the aliens from Chaotic Space.”

“Is it possible that these aliens somehow took your own memories, or Chakotay’s, and made the whole thing up?” asked Tom.

“I suppose it’s possible,” Janeway conceded.  “But to what end?”

“Maybe they feed on human neural energy.  Maybe they’re trying to lure you to them,” suggested B’Elanna.

“If they were just looking for human energy, then why not just take Chakotay?  Why concoct the elaborate ruse to lure me?” Janeway asked.

“So let me get this straight,” said Tom.  “The Yintakan spirits are actually aliens, some kind of cousin race to the aliens we encountered in Chaotic Space.”

Janeway nodded, and Harry picked up where Tom left off.  “They talked to their cousins in Chaotic Space and learned about _Voyager_.  Specifically, they found out what Captain Chakotay had to do to save all of us in the Delta Quadrant, risking his own sanity to save _Voyager_ , and they inflicted this illness on him to see if one of us would be willing to sacrifice ourselves to save him in return?”

“Not just any one of us,” said B’Elanna.  “It sounds like they want the admiral, specifically.”

“They want Chakotay’s sacrifice to be repaid,” Janeway replied.

“It’s a pretty messed up way to go about it,” said Baytart, “making the captain suffer even more.”

“Who do these aliens think they are, to decide what should or should not be repaid?” asked Ayala.

“Such speculation is not relevant,” said Tuvok.  “What is relevant is that the aliens expect Admiral Janeway to sacrifice herself so that the captain will be healed.”

“That is what they told me,” Janeway replied.

“This is ridiculous!” exclaimed Torres.  “They expect you to throw yourself over a cliff and somehow that will cure Chakotay?”

“According to Yintakan legend, it’s worked before,” said Janeway.

“I can’t believe we’re even talking about this,” said Tom.  He looked directly at Janeway.  “And I can’t believe you’re giving any credence to this supposed legend.  Obviously it’s out of the question.  Don’t even think about it, Admiral.  There has to be another way to save the captain, and we’re going to find it.”

“Of course,” Janeway replied.  “We’ll have to find another way.”  She felt Tuvok’s eyes on her, studying her, so she said more firmly, “I agree.  Let’s get to work.”


	5. Chapter 5

**_5_ **

* * *

  
It had been three days since her meeting with the senior staff, three days in which they had worked day and night to find a cure for Chakotay’s condition, and three days in which they had made no progress.  Chakotay’s mental state continued to worsen, and it had been deemed unsafe for anyone to be with him except the Doctor.  The Doctor had made one small step forward and had developed a serum that could keep Chakotay lucid for short periods of time.  The EMH had warned that it could only be used once or twice before losing effectiveness, and once the neural degeneration progressed passed a certain point, the serum would become completely useless.

Janeway walked into the Doctor’s office, her mission clear in her mind.  “Admiral,” the EMH greeted her, “how can I help you?”

“I need to talk to Chakotay, and I need for him to be of sound mind.  I want you to administer the serum.”

“Admiral, you know it can only be used a limited number of times…”

“Yes, and if what you’ve told us is true, we don’t have much longer to use it before it makes no difference at all.”

“But if we do develop some kind of cure, the captain may need to be lucid to…”

“I need to speak with him, Doctor,” Janeway interrupted, her voice tightly controlled.

“I see.  May I ask why?”

Janeway let her eyes drop; she had no intention of telling the Doctor what she was really going to say.  The words she spoke were a half-truth, but the emotion in her voice was real when she said, “I need to say goodbye while I still can.  While he’s still capable of hearing it.  There are some things I want him to know before he can’t understand anymore.”

The Doctor saw the moisture in her eyes, the trembling of her lip, and his carefully constructed resolve crumbled.  “All right,” he relented.  “Now?”

“You know what they say,” she replied with a tight smile.  “No time like the present.”

The Doctor nodded, and he and Janeway walked across sickbay to Chakotay’s private room.  The Doctor looked at Janeway, unsure how to help her.  For all his experience with human interaction and all his study on the matter, the Doctor still did not know what to say to one of his closest friends as she faced such a massive loss.  He could not tell her it was going to be all right; he did not know.  He told Janeway to wait outside while he administered the serum.  The security guards parted, allowing him into the room.  “Captain?” the Doctor called.  “Captain Chakotay?” 

There was a low growl.  “Go away.”

“I’d like to talk to you, Captain.  Please come out.”  He had located the captain, crouched in a corner.

“You’re going to have to force me out,” Chakotay replied.  “I’m not going to let you trick me, you Cardie bastard.”

“I am not a Cardassian, Captain.  I am the Doctor, and you are on _Voyager_ , not in the Maquis.”

“I’m not listening to any of your dirty Cardie lies!” Chakotay shouted, lunging at the Doctor.  Fortunately, Chakotay’s blows could not hurt the hologram, and he easily maneuvered around the captain to press the hypospray to his neck.  Chakotay struggled for a moment, and then went limp.

“Captain?” the Doctor asked.  “Do you know who I am?”

“Doctor?”

The Doctor released his hold on Chakotay.  “Yes.  Do you know where you are?”

“I’m on _Voyager_ , in my room in sickbay.  What’s my condition?”

The Doctor explained to Chakotay the deterioration of his condition and about the serum he had developed.  “The dosage I gave you should give you at least fifteen minutes of lucidity.  I’m going now.  The admiral would like to see you.”  Without giving Chakotay a chance to reply, the Doctor left the room, allowing Janeway and Chakotay their privacy.

Kathryn entered the dimly lit room, a vivid memory assaulting her of the last time she’d done so.  But instead of being crouched in a corner, terrified for his life, Chakotay stood calmly in the center of the room.  The door shut behind her, and they were alone.  “Chakotay.”

“Kathryn.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m fine.”

She took in his haggard appearance.  He looked like he hadn’t eaten or slept for days.  His hair was mussed, his uniform torn, dark circles under his eyes.  The stubble on his chin created a dark shadow.  She swallowed hard.  “You’d say that if you’d just gone ten rounds with an angry Nausicaan.”

“Or had my legs torn off by a Trakan beast?” he asked, catching her reference.

She tried to smile.  “Or that.”

“Did you come to tell me the bad news?” he asked.  “The Doctor’s not making any progress on a cure, is he?”

“He developed this serum.  That’s a start.”

“But it’s not a cure, is it?”

“No.”

“Well, then.”  He paused.  “I guess this is goodbye, Kathryn.  Soon there won’t be enough of my mind left for us to have a conversation.”

“Chakotay, I…”

“No, it’s all right,” he said tiredly.  “I might as well face the truth.”

“I know a way to cure you,” she blurted out.

He froze.  “What?”

“I went to the Yintakan sacred mountain.  I spoke to the spirits, just like you did.”

Chakotay furrowed his brow.  “I spoke to the spirits?”

“You did, except they’re not spirits, they’re aliens.  Somehow they’re related to the aliens we encountered in Chaotic Space, the ones who switched on your crazy gene so they could communicate with us.”

“But the Doctor re-suppressed the gene after that.”

“Yes, but these aliens activated it again.  And they did it because of me.”

“Because of you?”

“In Chaotic Space all those years ago, I used you, at risk to your own sanity, to get _Voyager_ out.”

“There was no other choice.  _Voyager_ couldn’t have survived in Chaotic Space.”

“Maybe so,” she conceded, “but that doesn’t make it right.”

“I still don’t understand what that has to do with what’s happening now.”

“You risked your life to save _Voyager_.  These aliens believe… they believe that sacrifices must be repaid.”

“Repaid - how?”

“I’m going back to the surface.”

“What do you mean?  Kathryn, to do what?”

“I have to offer myself to the waterfall, to the spirit world, and the aliens will heal you in exchange.”

“Give yourself to the…”  Chakotay paused, remembering the legend Shotal had told him.  “The legend,” he realized.  “The woman who threw herself over the cliff to save her people and the one she loved.”  He looked at her in horror.  “Kathryn, no!  You can’t!”

“It’s the only way, Chakotay.  You said it yourself, the Doctor has made no progress.  The aliens gave me their word that you’ll be cured.  They were inside my mind.  I know they weren’t lying.”

“How can you be sure?”

“I just am,” she replied.

“This isn’t like you.  You don’t believe there’s another explanation?  A scientific explanation?”

“We haven’t found one.  And if there is another answer, it may be too late by the time we find it.  I know what I have to do.”

“You always do this,” Chakotay said angrily.  “You always try to be the one who loses, who sacrifices.  Let me be the one to do it this time.”

“No!”

His voice quieted.  “I’d have waited the whole seventy years for you, if you’d asked me to.”

“I had already asked so much of you,” she replied.  “I couldn’t do that.  This situation is proof.  If I hadn’t asked you to go back in the ring…”  She trailed off.

“And if this does work as you say it will?” he asked.  “How can you expect me to go on without you, knowing what you’d done?”

She emitted a sound, and he wasn’t sure if it was a laugh or a sob.  “You know, I asked Shotal the same question when he told me the legend.  He told me the man who was left would never take his life for granted.  You have so much more in your life, so much more than me.”

“And you don’t?”

“What’s happening to you is my fault, my responsibility.  I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t do everything in my power to stop it.  I couldn’t.”  Her eyes filled with tears.  “Can you understand that?”

He stepped forward, enfolding her in a tight embrace, and her arms went around him, holding him close.  “I would do the same thing if I were in your position,” he admitted.

“I know you would.”  She paused, breathing in the scent of him.  She remembered Shotal’s words, about the woman whose life held no value without the one she loved.  “Chakotay?” she asked in an uncharacteristically small voice, “did you mean what you said, about waiting the entire seventy years for me?”

His arms tightened around her and tears came to his own eyes.  “Oh my love!” he exclaimed in a strangled voice.  “Of course I would have.”

She pulled away, gently extracting herself from his arms.  “Promise me you won’t wait anymore,” she said.  “After this is over, don’t waste time.  Move on.  I want you to find someone you live and build a life with her.”

“Oh, Kathryn,” he breathed, reaching out to cup her cheek in his palm.  “I can’t promise you that.  I understand why you have to go.  I’m no good to you in this state, anyway.  But don’t ask me to forget you.  I can’t do that.”

“Chakotay…”

“No.”  He stepped forward, cupping her face between both hands.  “Do you know what happens at the end of the waterfall legend that my grandfather told me?”

She shook her head, feeling a tear slide down her cheek.

“The woman’s lover lived a long and happy life.  He became a leader for his people and was a productive member of his tribe.  Every day, he went to the waterfall to visit the love of his life, who had sacrificed herself for him.  Finally, one day, when he was very old, he returned to the waterfall for the last time.  He took his last earthly breath on the shore where his love had left him all those years ago.  Then, he passed into the spirit world, where she was waiting for him.  There, they could begin again.”

“Do you really believe that?” she managed through her tears.

“I don’t know,” he admitted, “but it’s a good thought to hold onto, isn’t it?”

She nodded, unable to speak.  Her body shook, tears rolling down her cheeks as she drank in this last perfect sight of him.  He stepped closer, her face still between his hands, and leaned down to press his lips to hers for a long, chaste kiss.  “I love you, Kathryn Janeway,” he whispered.

She cried out, a wail of anguish, and he pulled her against him, holding her tight as she cried.  She savored the sensation, trying to breathe him in, memorize the feeling, holding on as if she could keep him with her forever if only she held on tight enough.  After a long moment, she felt him go limp against her, and he collapsed onto the floor with a cry of pain, clutching his head.  She realized the Doctor’s serum must be wearing off, and she slowly backed away.

He looked up, a confused expression on her face.  “Who are you?” he asked.

She bit her lip, backing away slowly.  “Goodbye, Chakotay,” she whispered.  “I have always loved you.”

She stepped out into sickbay, letting the door close behind her.  She hastily wiped at her cheeks, noticing Ensign Murphy watching her with concern.  The Doctor glanced up from his office and then quickly looked back at his computer.

“Can I escort you back to your quarters, Admiral?” Murphy asked sympathetically.

“No, thank you, Ensign.  Keep your post.  I’m…  I’m fine.”  She gathered herself together and made her way back to her quarters.  She had a long journey to prepare for.

 

* * *

  
Kathryn removed her pips one by one and placed them on the table beside her communicator.  She took off her jacket, pants and tank, and changed into a simple brown outfit.  What she was about to do was not a duty she would perform as a Starfleet officer, but an action taken by Kathryn Janeway alone.  She brought nothing with her; she knew she would not need it.  She walked calmly to the transporter room.  

“Admiral,” the ensign at the console greeted her, snapping to attention.

“Good evening, Ensign,” she said to the young woman.  “You’re dismissed.  You are under orders to reveal my presence here to no one.  Is that understood?”

“Yes, Admiral.”  The young woman left the room, and Janeway was alone.  She coded in the coordinates for transport, using her security codes to prevent detection.  She had set her comm badge to emit a false biosignature so that anyone inquiring about her whereabouts would think she was in her quarters, asleep.  By the time anyone realized she was gone, her mission would be complete.

She stepped onto the transporter pad and took one last look around.  “Computer,” she ordered, “energize.”

She rematerialized at the base of the sacred mountain where she’d met her guide on her previous visit.  The night air was chilly, and she could hear the howl of an animal in the distance.  The Yintakan moon was covered by a cloud, and she had underestimated how dark it would be.  She had not brought a wrist light, knowing that technology was not allowed on the mountain.  She stepped forward, squinting in the darkness, hoping she could find her way in the dark without a guide.

She had only taken a few steps when she heard a rustling in the trees beside her.  She froze, hoping that no one had followed her to the surface.  But no voice spoke her name, and she gasped when she saw the creature that emerged from the forest.  It was the Yintakan firebird.  The creature was taller than she was, and when it opened its wings, it filled her entire field of vision.

The bird’s wings began to glow with an incandescent light.  The creature looked at her with piercing black eyes and pointed its beak towards the mountain path.  Then it took off, soaring into the air above her, the glow of its wings lighting her way and making the path clear.  Janeway smiled.  It seemed she would have a guide for her ascent of the mountain after all.  
  


* * *

  
“Doctor, I want to see him.”

“It’s too dangerous, Commander Torres.  I’m sorry.  I know the captain is your friend.”

“He’s more than a friend, Doctor.  He’s family.”

“I understand that, but…”

“Just listen to what B’Elanna has to say, Doc,” Tom piped up from the doorway to sickbay.  Internally, B’Elanna smiled.  She could always trust her husband to know when she was going to need some backup.

The Doctor sighed, knowing he couldn’t argue with both of them.  “I’m listening.”

“From what Admiral Janeway said, Chakotay thinks he’s in the Maquis when he’s hallucinating.  He might respond better to someone who was actually there with him.”

“An interesting theory,” said the Doctor.  “Unfortunately, it’s still too dangerous.  The captain’s behavior is too unpredictable.”

“I’m willing to take that risk,” B’Elanna said.  “Chakotay was there for me when no one else was.  Now, he’s all alone.” 

The Doctor looked at Paris.  “You agree with this?”

“It’s B’Elanna’s choice,” Tom replied, “but I support her, yes.”

“All right,” the Doctor conceded.  “I’ll be right here if anything goes wrong.”

“Don’t worry, Doctor.  You’ll be the first to know.”

The EMH emitted a dramatic sigh and went back to his computer terminal as Tom and B’Elanna left his office.

“Thanks, hon,” she said, reaching over to squeeze his hand.

“Any time.”  Tom paused.  “Be careful.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“Believe me, I know that.  But you’d be disappointed if I didn’t worry a little.”

They stood outside the door to Chakotay’s room, and Tom leaned down to give his wife a quick kiss.  “You’re doing the right thing,” he said, “and I admire you for it.”  She reached up and hugged him, and he pulled her close.  “I’ll be just a moment away if you need me,” he assured her.  “Love you.”

“Love you,” she replied.  The guards stepped aside so she could enter the room.

“Chakotay?” she called into the dark room.  “It’s B’Elanna.  B’Elanna Torres.”

“B’Elanna?” he replied from the corner, “is it really you?”

“It’s me.”

He peered out from behind the sofa where it seemed he’d been hiding.  “How did you get back here?” he asked.  “I thought you’d been captured.”

“Captured?”

“Yes, by the Cardassians.  Along with Henley and Gerron.”

She wracked her brain for a moment before the memory surfaced.  It had been a particularly bad time for their Maquis cell.  She, Henley and Gerron had been captured, and Chakotay had nearly lost his life in the rescue attempt.  She had sat by his bedside for days while he’d recovered.  “You rescued me,” she reminded him, stepping closer.  “You and Bendera, don’t you remember?”

“I don’t remember.”

“You rescued me, Chakotay.  I’m safe.”

“Come back here,” he whispered, “behind this rock.  There might be more of them out there.”

B’Elanna bit the inside of her lip, realizing that he had no idea where he really was.  Chakotay had always been strong for her, no matter what.  It seemed that now it was her turn.  She crouched next to him behind the couch.  “I don’t think there are any Cardassians out there.”

“Shh!” he hissed.  “Listen.”  She watched as he strained to hear enemy footsteps.  She waited while he listened for phantoms, and then, finally, he relaxed, slumping against the wall.

“See?” she said.  “All quiet.”

“Are you okay?” he asked.  “Did those Cardie bastards hurt you?”

“No, Chakotay.  You got us out in time.”

“I thought you were gone, thought you were gone forever,” he murmured.

“I’m right here.”  She placed a hand on his shoulder.  “I’m right here with you.”

“No,” he said, sounding confused.  “I thought you were gone.  Thought she was gone.”  He pulled his knees towards his chest and rested his elbows on them, then buried his head in his hands.  “Hurts,” he said.  “Pain.  So much pain.  So much suffering.”

“Are you in pain, Chakotay?  Should I call the Doctor?”

“No.  No doctors.  No medicine.  The pain must be honored.”  He clutched his head and then looked at her out of the corner of his eye.  “I thought you were gone.”

“I’m right here.  I haven’t been captured.  There are no Cardassians here.  You’re on _Voyager_.  Remember _Voyager_?”

“Gone,” he murmured.  “Kathryn.  Kathryn gone.  Missing.  Captured.”

“Kathryn’s not missing,” B’Elanna soothed.  “She’s in her quarters.  I’m sure she’ll be back to see you again tomorrow.”

“No.  No tomorrow.  Gone.”

B’Elanna felt a chill run through her.  “Chakotay, look at me,” she ordered, grabbing him by the shoulders.  “Look at me.”  Like a child, he obeyed.  “There is going to be a tomorrow and you are going to be here to see it.  Do you understand me?”

Chakotay blinked several times before his eyes focused on hers.  “B’Elanna?” he asked, seeming to come back to himself.

“I’m here, Chakotay.”

“What’s happening to me?” he asked, sounding more helpless than she had ever heard him sound.  “Am I going crazy?”

“You’re not going to go crazy, Chakotay.  We won’t let that happen.  Tom and Harry and the Doctor and I won’t let that happen.  Admiral Janeway won’t let it happen.  You just need to hold on a little longer.  Can you do that?  Just hold on a little longer, okay?”

“I’ll try, B’Elanna,” he said, slumping back against the wall.  “I’ll try, but I’m just so tired.  I’m so tired.  I just want it to be over.”

“I know,” she soothed, scooting against the wall next to him and placing an arm around his shoulders.  “Just rest for a little while.  I’ll be right here.  I’ll make sure that no one hurts you.  Rest.”

Chakotay slumped against her, and before long, his head had dropped to her shoulder, and he was fast asleep.  
  


* * *

  
The firebird had led her to the top of the mountain and down the path to the waterfall, lighting her path along the way.  Now, the creature floated above the metal bridge at the top of the waterfall.  Kathryn stepped onto the bridge.  She heard the clanking of metal and felt the cold railing under her fingers.  The water crashed below her, and the bird floated in front of her, its glow brighter than any moon.

_I’m here,_ she thought towards the aliens, but there was no response.  

She looked down at the waterfall, the swirling darkness of the water seeming to spiral endlessly downward.  It was hypnotic, the bottomless descent.  Once again, she looked into the depths of the blackness, seeking an answer.  But she already had an answer; she knew what she had to do.  She looked up at the bird, and it looked back at her.  Then, it took off, flying downward, plummeting towards the pool.  Halfway down, it paused and looked at her, as if beckoning her to follow.  The bird continued downward in a streak of white light, and Janeway was suddenly overcome with the thought that the bird would hit the water at an alarming speed and drown.

“Wait!” she called, but it did not wait.  Kathryn climbed up on the metal railing and looked towards the bright streak of light.  If she didn’t follow, the bird would drown.  If she didn’t follow, Chakotay would die.  Taking one last deep breath, Kathryn let go of the railing and jumped.


	6. Chapter 6

_**6** _

* * *

  
Chakotay jolted awake, disoriented.  His neck was sore, his legs cramped.  He realized he had fallen asleep on the floor, his head resting on something soft.  He extended his cramped legs and realized that the soft object next to him was B’Elanna, who had also fallen asleep seated on the floor.  He tried to remember how they had gotten there.  He felt as though he was waking up from a long sleep.

Then, suddenly, it all came flooding back to him - the hallucinations, Yintaka Minor, hurting Harry, and…  “Kathryn!” he exclaimed.

“Huh?  What?”  The sudden exclamation woke B’Elanna.  “Chakotay, calm down.  It’s all right.”

“No, it’s not all right,” he said, getting to his feet.

“Torres to the Doctor.  Medical emergency!”

“It’s not a medical emergency,” Chakotay said, searching around the room for his comm badge.  “I’m fine.”

The Doctor entered the room.  “Captain, please relax,” he said.

“Doctor, I’m fine!” Chakotay insisted.  “It’s Kathryn.  She’s gone.”  Finally, he found his comm badge on the floor under an overturned chair.  “Chakotay to Janeway.”  There was no response.  “Damn it!  She must’ve already gone to the surface.”

The Doctor scanned Chakotay with a medical tricorder and looked at B’Elanna.  “He’s completely recovered,” he said with amazement.  “The neurological damage is gone.”

“Computer, locate Admiral Janeway,” Chakotay demanded.

“Admiral Janeway is in her quarters,” the computer replied.

Chakotay bolted out the door, nearly knocking the security guards over in the process.  B’Elanna gestured to the guards not to pursue as she and the Doctor bounded after Chakotay.

“Captain, you should be in sickbay!” the Doctor called.

“No time for that, Doc,” he replied as he raced down the corridor.  Outside Janeway’s quarters, he keyed in his override code and burst in the door.  On her table sat her comm badge and admiral’s rank bar.

“Oh no,” B’Elanna whispered.  She looked at the Doctor in horror.  “She did it.  She actually did it.”

The Doctor stared at Chakotay, shocked.  “And it appears to have worked.”

“I have to get down there,” Chakotay said, hurrying out of Janeway’s quarters.

“Chakotay…”  B’Elanna ran after him, afraid for her friend and what he might find on the surface.

Chakotay strode purposefully into the transporter room and nearly pushed the transporter operator aside.  “Just as I thought,” he murmured, his fingers flying over the controls.  He called up the coordinates of Janeway’s transport.  “Ensign, beam me to these coordinates.”

“Chakotay, stop!” said B’Elanna, having caught up with him.  She grabbed his arm.  “You’ve just been through a traumatic experience.  At least let the Doctor check you out before you go down there.”

“I’m in my right mind, B’Elanna,” he assured her.  “I have to go.  There’s no time to waste.”

B’Elanna searched her friend’s eyes, seeing no sign of the madness that had plagued him, only seeing his fear for Janeway, and she understood.  She let go of his arm and backed away, then nodded to the transporter operator.

Chakotay stepped onto the transporter pad.  “Energize.”

He disappeared and B’Elanna exchanged a long look with the Doctor, who had followed them into the transporter room.  “We can hope,” she said.

The Doctor grimaced.  “The aliens kept their side of the bargain.  I can only imagine that Admiral Janeway kept hers, too.”  
  


* * *

  
Chakotay materialized at the base of the mountain.  It was still the dead of Yintakan night, only two hours since Kathryn had beamed down.  He did not know what he would find when he arrived at the sacred waterfall, but he knew he had to go.  He stepped forward and saw a dim shape ahead of him.  “Hello?” he called.  “Is someone there?”

Shotal held up a lantern, illuminating his face.  “It is only me, Chakotay.”

“Shotal, what are you doing here?”

“The spirits tell me what I need to know,” he replied.  “They knew you would need a guide.  They chose me.”

“I didn’t even know I was coming until a few minutes ago.”

“Are you recovered, Chakotay?” Shotal asked.

“Yes, yes.  I’m fine.  Have you seen Admiral Janeway?”

“Yes, a few days ago.  I took her to the waterfall.”

“No, tonight.  Have you seen her tonight?”

Shotal did not answer, but gestured for Chakotay to follow.  For a second time, Chakotay embarked on the journey up the mountain.  He wondered at Shotal’s presence, but he did not question it.  He had to get to the waterfall, and he knew it would take him much longer without a guide.  He knew that after everything he had been through, he should feel exhausted, but instead, he felt exhilarated.  His life had been restored to him.

When they reached the path that led to the waterfall, Shotal turned to him.  “Are you ready?”

In spite of the fear he felt, Chakotay nodded, and Shotal led him down the path to the waterfall.  The sky was just beginning to lighten, and he was relying less and less on Shotal’s lantern in order to see.

They arrived at the end of the path where it opened into a clearing.  They could see the falls, and Shotal stepped aside.  The sky was becoming lighter, and Chakotay did not need the spirit talker to guide him.  He walked slowly and deliberately towards the falls, a lump rising in his throat.  _Kathryn_ , he thought, _please be here.  Please be alive.  I don’t want to go on without you._ He reached the edge of the cliff overlooking the falls.  He could make out the cascading water and the jagged cliffs surrounding it.  His eyes followed the endless stream downward until he saw a crumpled form on a precipice a few meters below.  He peered at the form, trying to see more clearly.  He could just make out the long, auburn hair.

He scrambled down the cliffs, finding hand and footholds in the rocks.  He reached the precipice, and saw that the form lying there was Kathryn.  He knelt beside her.  “Kathryn?”

She was lying face down, and gently, he turned her body over, cradling her in his lap.  “Kathryn?”  He leaned his ear down to her face and could hear her shallow breathing.  She was alive.  “Kathryn, wake up.  Open your eyes.  Please, my love, open your eyes.”

He squinted as the sun began to peek over the horizon, its rays blinding him.  Then he felt a cold hand on his cheek, and when he looked down again, Kathryn was looking up at him.  “Chakotay?”

“Kathryn!”  His face broke into a wide smile just as the sun broke over the horizon, bathing them both in a warm, golden light.

“You’re all right?” she asked.  “It worked?”

“It worked.  I’m cured.”

“Good,” she said, her eyes slipping closed again.  She thought she heard Chakotay calling Shotal’s name as she slipped back into unconsciousness.  
  


* * *

  
“B’Elanna, would you sit down or go back to engineering?” Tom asked as his wife paced the bridge for what seemed like the hundredth time that hour.

“How can you be so calm?” she shot back at him.  “Chakotay’s down there and Admiral Janeway might be…”  

Tom stood from his chair and joined his wife next to the bridge’s engineering station.  “There’s nothing we can do right now,” he said quietly.  “I’m as worried for the admiral as you are, but there’s nothing we can do.  There’s too much interference to scan the mountain, even if it wasn’t prohibited.  We can’t beam down.  We have to let Chakotay do what he needs to do, and he’ll contact us when he can.”

As if on cue, the comm activated.  “Chakotay to _Voyager_.  Two to beam directly to sickbay.”

“Beaming you up now, sir,” Tom said, nodding to Harry, who activated the transporter.  Tom left the bridge in Harry’s hands, and he and B’Elanna rushed out the door and headed to sickbay.

B’Elanna felt the knot in her stomach tighten as they approached the sickbay doors.  “Two to beam…” Chakotay had said.  That meant he had found the admiral.  But was she alive?  The sickbay doors swished open and B’Elanna entered, Tom right behind her.  They stopped just inside the doors.  Janeway was lying on a biobed, Chakotay next to her, holding her hand.  The EMH was bustling around anxiously, calling to one of the nurses to hand him a hypospray.  Tom, with his medical training, immediately jumped in to help while B’Elanna stood back, feeling helpless.  There was a bustle of activity around the biobed and the beeping of monitors.  It sounded like the situation was grave.

“I’m sorry, Captain, you’ll have to step away,” the Doctor said in an apologetic but firm tone.

Reluctantly, Chakotay let go of Janeway’s hand and backed away, his eyes fixed to the still form on the bed as the Doctor raised the dome over her.  

B’Elanna, seeing the stricken look on her friend’s face, stepped forward and took his hand.  “She’ll pull through,” she reassured him.  “She will.”

“She woke up and looked at me, on the planet.  She just wanted to know if it worked, if I was cured.”

“And did you tell her?”

“Yes.”

“Then she has something to live for.”

“Pulse is irregular and weakening,” said Paris urgently.  “We’re losing her.”

“Two cc’s delactovine,” the Doctor ordered.  Paris handed the EMH a hypospray.  “Begin full cardiac induction,” the Doctor ordered.

“Blood pressure at seventy over twenty,” Paris said.

“Cortical stimulators,” ordered the Doctor.  “Start at ten percent.”

Tom activated the cortical stimulators, and his face began to show a measure of relief.  “Blood pressure up to ninety over forty and rising,” he reported.

“Her cortical functions are stabilizing,” said the Doctor.  “Vital signs approaching normal.”  He retracted the dome and ran the medical tricorder over Janeway.

Chakotay released B’Elanna’s hand and stepped towards the biobed.  “Is she going to be all right?”

“She is stable now.  I expect her to make a full recovery,” the Doctor replied.

“It’s a good thing you got her back to Voyager when you did, Captain,” said Paris.  “If she’d suffered any longer exposure, we might have lost her.”

The Doctor pressed a hypospray to Janeway’s neck, and her eyelids fluttered.

Kathryn became aware of voices around her and a warm hand holding hers.  She opened her eyes to find Chakotay, Tom, B’Elanna and the Doctor all staring down at her anxiously.  “Well,” she said, “I guess I’m not dead.”    

“You are very much alive,” the Doctor replied.  “Thanks to me.”

“You had us worried for a little while, though,” said Paris.

“Don’t ever do that again!” B’Elanna added.

Janeway’s eyes lingered on Chakotay for a moment before she looked back at B’Elanna.  “I had to do it.  There was no other way.”

“Well, lucky for all of us it worked,” said Paris.

“And without taking your life in the process,” added the Doctor.

“That’s what I don’t understand,” Janeway said.  “I did what the aliens asked.  Why didn’t they do what they said they would?”

“Maybe,” said Chakotay, finally speaking, “they know that a life well lived is worth more than a life sacrificed.”

Her eyes locked onto his.  “Maybe.”

“The admiral needs to rest now,” said the Doctor.  “And, Captain, you need to rest, too.”

“Yes, Doctor,” Chakotay replied obediently, sharing an amused glance with Torres and Paris.  He squeezed Kathryn’s hand once more before releasing it.  “Rest now.  I’ll see you later.”

She nodded, her eyes already beginning to drift closed.  Chakotay had a hard time tearing his eyes from her face as the Doctor ushered them out of sickbay.  
  


* * *

  
Chakotay had slept for a few hours but had awoke feeling restless.  He needed to do something.  So he put on a clean uniform and went to the bridge, then checked in with every department.  It felt good to be back at work, and he could sense crew morale rising as they saw that their captain was back in command, both of the ship and of his own mind.

His duties now finished, Chakotay stood outside Kathryn’s quarters.  She had been released from sickbay to rest there.  Chakotay’s hand hovered over the call button as he wondered what he would say to her.  He was still standing there debating when the door opened, revealing Kathryn.

“Chakotay!” she exclaimed.  “I was just coming to see you.”

“I seem to have beat you to it,” he replied wryly.  “I thought you were supposed to be resting.”

“You know me.  My tolerance for rest is extremely limited.”  She gestured to his uniform.  “Yours, too, it seems.”

He shrugged.  “Guilty as charged.”

“Come in.  Would you like some tea?”

“No, thanks.”  He stared at her for a long moment, not sure whether he wanted to run back out the door or gather her in his arms and kiss her passionately.

“What is it?” she asked.

_Just spit it out, old man,_ he told himself, taking a deep breath.  “Kathryn, when you said… everything you said, I know you thought I was going to die, or you were going to die.  Under those circumstances, sometimes we say things we otherwise wouldn’t.  I just wanted you to know that I don’t blame you if you want to forget this all ever happened.”

“I see,” she said slowly.  “Is that what you want?  To forget it happened?”

“No!  Not at all.  I just wanted…”

“To give me an ‘out.’  Well, I’m not going to take it.  Not this time.”  She sat down on the sofa and patted the seat next to her, encouraging him to join her.  Now, it was her turn to gather her courage and take a deep breath.  “I was thinking about you,” she admitted, “even before B’Elanna called me and told me you were ill.”    “You were?”

She nodded.  “I was sitting at the Night Owl, and I was thinking about how much I missed you.  I was thinking about how no matter how many times I tried to forget you, I could never do it.  You have always been in my mind and in my heart, in spite of my best efforts to make it otherwise.  When I got here, and realized how sick you were, I had to face the possibility of living the rest of my life without you.  It wasn’t till then that I realized how much I didn’t want to do that.  I don’t want to go back to the way things were before.”  She paused.  “Unless you do.”

“No.  No, I don’t want that either.”  He hesitated, and she reached out to take his hand.  “I just feel a little overwhelmed.  This is real, right?  I’m not hallucinating?”

She leaned forward and pressed her lips to his.  “It feels real to me.”

He blew a puff of air out through pursed lips.  “I have thought about this for so long.  Now you’re here, and I…  I don’t want to mess this up.”

Kathryn shook her head and slid her hand behind his neck, pulling him towards her, touching her forehead to his.  “You won’t.”  She kissed him again, this time longer, and then pulled away.  “I think you were right about what you said in sickbay.  These aliens understand that a life well lived is more valuable than a life sacrificed.  Maybe that was the lesson they wanted me to learn all along.  I’ve been given a second chance.”

“We both have,” he agreed, cupping her cheek in his palm.

“Let’s not waste it,” she whispered as his face moved closer to hers.

“I’m not going to waste a moment,” he murmured as his lips descended on hers.  “I’m going to enjoy every…”  Kiss.  “Single.”  Kiss.  “Second.”

She tried to reply, “Me, too,” but her words were muffled by his mouth and his body on hers, and they soon forgot conversation altogether.


	7. EPILOGUE

_**EPILOGUE** _

* * *

“What treat would you like today?” the father asked, showing his young son the array of delicious baked goods in the pastry case.  The father looked at his son and realized that the boy wasn’t looking at the treats, but instead waving at someone who had just entered the Night Owl.  The father turned to see the nice lady who had been so understanding of his son’s shyness during their last encounter.  She entered the coffee shop this morning accompanied by a handsome man with dark hair and a facial tattoo.  “Look, Jack, it’s our friend!”

“Hi,” Jack said as the woman and her companion stepped into line behind them.

“Good morning, Jack,” Janeway replied.  “How are you today?”  

“Good morning,” the father replied as Jack buried his head in his daddy’s shoulder.

“Nice to see you again,” Janeway said.  She peered at the little boy, sensing the reason for his anxiety.  “You don’t need to hide, Jack,” she said.  “I just brought a friend with me today.  This is Chakotay.”  She extended her hand to the father.  “I’m Kathryn, by the way,” she said.  

“Paul,” he replied.  Then recognition dawned on him.  “I’m so sorry.  You’re Admiral Janeway.  I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you.  And Captain Chakotay.”  Paul extended his hand to Chakotay, who shook it warmly.

“It’s quite all right,” Janeway said.  “It’s actually nice not to be recognized once in a while.”  She turned to attention back to the small boy.  “Jack, did you pick out your treat yet?”

The boy looked up and favored her with a grin, then pointed to a cupcake with pink frosting.

“Good choice,” Chakotay said.  “Maybe I’ll have one of those, too.”

The boy giggled, and then Paul and Jack stepped up to the counter to order their Sunday treats.  “Have a good day,” Paul said to Janeway and Chakotay as he took the plate with the treats.  “Jack, say bye to our friends.”

“Bye bye,” said Jack, waving at the pair over his father’s shoulder.

“I think Jack has a crush on you,” Chakotay whispered in Kathryn’s ear.

“Too bad for him,” she replied, wrapping her arm around his waist and standing up on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear.  “I’m taken.”

“Yes, you are, Admiral Janeway,” he replied, leaning down to kiss her.  From behind the counter, Antonio cleared his throat, and Janeway broke the kiss, laughing, realizing it was their turn to order.  Holding Chakotay’s hand in hers, she stepped up to the counter to order their coffee.

And on that sunny Sunday morning in San Francisco, coffee in hand, her friend and lover by her side, Kathryn Janeway knew, without a doubt, the priceless value of a life well lived.


End file.
